3:44am

Today has already been so hard. I miss you.

I did really good today! It’s those little victories that count.

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I woke up sad, but today will be good, and I will be good.

Today, I’m okay. I look pretty, and I feel strong, and that’s a good thing. Because I’m confident that you’ll realize you’re making a mistake. I hope it isn’t too late, because you aren’t the only one whose feelings can change, but I’m okay today. I’m going to be gone for a month, and you’re going to miss me. I think deep down, you’re afraid that I’ll move on, but you need to earn me back, and you have some maturing to do. But either way, I have to move on, because I can’t let myself be sad forever. I just can’t afford to care right now, so I’m not going to. It’s time to focus on what I need.

I wish I could get angry, but it’s a really hard thing for me to do. Because the only feelings you’ve spared are you’re own. Each time we go through this, the wound just gets ripped back open. I know you don’t want to lose me, but lying to me is worse. Knowing that the last two months of our relationship, I felt everything and you felt nothing. That hurts and makes me angry. If you’re reading this, I know you’re stubborn and don’t believe me because I’m hurt, but you’ve changed. You’ve chosen only to care about working out and your friends. It’s not like I don’t want you to enjoy those things and have those hobbies, but you’ve become a follower, and that isn’t you. I’m so afraid that when you go to college, you’re going to get caught up partying to fit in, because you’ve always had such a hard time with peer pressure. If you think I’m misinformed or ignorant, please just know I’m saying these things because I’ve known you for a very long time and that I love you as a friend, despite all of this. I’m sorry I can’t say this to your face, and I’m sorry that you will probably ignore everything I’ve said. I miss who I fell in love with. It may take a while, but eventually, you’re going to realize that you need me and that you made a mistake, but it’s time for me to get over it.

I don’t understand what I did to you to deserve this. You don’t talk to me, then when you call and want to do something, you blow me off for a better offer. I’m so tired of being mindfucked, you act like you still care about me, and then you don’t talk to me for two days. If you cared about me, you wouldnt make me feel like shit every chance you get. You wonder why I have confidence issues? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you’re always talking about how hot some girl is, or how nice of a rack she has? You know how I feel and you STILL say shit like that, so yeah, I’m not very confident right now. And if we are “just friends” right now, you don’t just ditch your friends for the next better offer. I just don’t know what you want from me, this isn’t fair.

I’m not sad today, but I guess I’m just feeling a nostalgic longing. I miss the intimacy of being in a relationship, not necessarily the physical parts, but just having that closeness. I see your face and I just love every part about it, it just makes me happy. Your goofy smile, the way your mouth curves into a grin. You’re little nose, your eyebrows, your goofy moles. I guess it’s stupid and girly of me, but I do. I miss being able to kiss you and hug you and lean on your shoulder and hold your hand whenever I want to. There isn’t one thing I don’t miss about you, despite how I may have felt or acted before. Its all worth it.